Predator, oh wait a minute
by Concept of a demon
Summary: Kain becomes a predator! Yes, that's right, a crossover of LOK and Aliens Vs. Predator. Oh, and in chapter 6, I sell out!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Here there is a story. So you should read it. And enjoy it. It features 4, I repeat, 4 predators! And Kain will grow dreadlocks!  
  
Kain: The hell I won't!  
  
We'll see, young one, we'll see.  
  
Kain: Who are you calling young? I'm older than you!  
  
Read the story, so I can bust Kain's eyes.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Kain is sitting at a bar. He's drinking a beer.  
  
Kain: Thanks God I don't have to do any parodies right now.  
  
A bunch of idiots with shotguns run in.  
  
Thug: ALL OF YOUR CASH, RIGHT NOW!  
  
The thugs rob people, and eventually, one of them get to Kain.  
  
Thug: All of your cash, goth-boy!  
  
Kain: I'd advise you to get out of my face.  
  
Thug: Or what? Are you gonna pour your drink in my face?  
  
Kain: Good idea. (does so)  
  
'Nother thug: SHOOT HIM!  
  
Kain whips out his blood-reaver, and turns into mist. (makes him hard to spot), and throws an energy bolt at one thug. The thug explodes.  
  
Thug: Let's get the hell out of here, now!  
  
They run towards the exit. The front thug gets impaled on the reaver. Kain materialises, and throws a flay at the next. The rest of the thugs run off.  
  
Kain: Damn bastards! Now I have to pay for a new beer.  
  
He goes to the bar, and orders another beer.  
  
************************************************************  
  
The 3 remaining thugs are running through an alley, unaware of Kain not following them. A net is shot towards the front thug, who falls over, and knocks the other 2 down with him.  
  
?: Nice shot, Ed.  
  
??: BOOYAH!  
  
???: shall we do something about those humans, or should we keep talking?  
  
????: ME SMASH THINGS!  
  
?: Shut up.  
  
?, ??, ??? and ???? moves towards the thugs.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
News reporter: A serial killer with a strange attraction to taking heads is loose in the city. The police has dubbed him the 'Head-hunter'. They don't have much originality. The victims are currently being identified, but since their heads are missing, it's hard. And now for something completely different..  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Kain: Damn Monty Python ripoff.. (turns off the TV) I'll probably get blamed for that, too.  
  
He feels a light breese.  
  
Kain: DAMNIT! I'm not in the mood for dealing with psychotic serial killers! Where's my reaver? Oh yeah, on my back.  
  
?: Do not be frightened.  
  
Kain: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
He goes psycho with the blood-reaver, cutting up anything that comes close to him. Suddenly, he gets slammed in the back.  
  
???: I thought he'd keep doing that forever.  
  
Kain looks up at his "guests". Well, he can't see them. Suddenly, 4 predators materialise in his living room.  
  
Kain: What-the-hell.....  
  
?: We are here to request your help, oh psychopathic one.  
  
Kain: And you guys are?  
  
Predator 3, formerly known as ???: We are predators. Hunters from a distant-  
  
Predator 1, formerly known as ?: and unknown!  
  
Predator 3: planet, we hunt heads.  
  
Kain: So you guys are the "head-hunter"?  
  
Predator 1: That would be "head-hunters".  
  
Kain: Whatever. Why are you contacting me?  
  
Predator 1: We need your help with an enemy we have.  
  
Kain: And why should I help you with that?  
  
Predator 3: Because we have weapons, that could easily take you out.  
  
Kain: My blood-reaver can be used as a lightsaber. It will repel any kind of energy attack.  
  
Predator 2, who's name is actually Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: What's wrong with him?  
  
Predator 3: He was blown up, while watching the Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Damn near killed him.  
  
Kain: I.... See.... So, what are y'all names?  
  
Predator 1: Jamie, actually.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Jamie: His name is Ed.  
  
Predator 3: I'm Sammy.  
  
Kain: You're female?  
  
Sammy: You got a problem with that? (whips out her speargun)  
  
Kain: No no! No problem at all!  
  
Sammy: (eyes him suspiciously)  
  
Predator 4, formerly known as ????: ME SMASH THINGS!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Jamie: His name is Jobie.  
  
Kain: So how come you all look THAT different?  
  
Jamie: Different player classes.  
  
Kain: Uh?  
  
Sammy: It has something to do with the games, that this story is based on.  
  
Kain: Riiiiiiiiight... So what "player classes" are you guys?  
  
Jamie: I'm an assault predator.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: Can't you say anything else?  
  
Ed: I can, but I choose not to. BOOYAH!  
  
Jamie: He's a standard predator.  
  
Sammy: I'm a light predator.  
  
Jobie: ME HEAVY PREDATOR! ME SMASH THINGS! UGGA-BUGGA!  
  
Kain: How come he talks like that?  
  
Jamie: He has a speech impediment.  
  
Kain: I believe it! He sounds like Magnus. Oh wait, he just speaks loudly in third person....  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: I can tell we have ourselves a running joke..  
  
Sammy: What's a running joke?  
  
Kain: I think it's best you don't know that.  
  
Jamie: Fair enough. Anyway, we still need your help.  
  
Kain: What would it entail?  
  
Sammy: First, we need to get you equipped.  
  
Kain: I can go with the mask, BUT I'LL BE DAMNED, IF I GET DREADLOCKS!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
Jamie: Here's a mask, a speargun, a combi-stick, wristblades you do not need, so we won't give them to you, a plasmacaster, a disc, and a plasma gun. Also, you must have a cloaking device, an energy sift, and a healing device.  
  
Kain: I don't need a cloaking device, or a healing device. I get healed by sucking blood, and I can use my mist form to cloak myself.  
  
Sammy: You still need wrist-attached components, so you can control your equipment. It also provides you with a charge-emitter, to open electronic doors.  
  
Kain: What does this hunting mask do?  
  
Jamie: It comes with 4 vision modes. Normal, which will allow you to see like you do now, thermal, which will allow you to see humans in particular.  
  
Kain: How particular?  
  
Sammy: It will make them stand out, like a black guy in a party for white- people-only.  
  
Jamie: Electromagnetic, which will allow you to see aliens, and Predtech view, which will allow you to see predators.  
  
Kain: Aliens?  
  
Sammy: Deadly creatures. They can crawl on walls, pounce at you at an incredible speed, eat your brain, whack you with their tail, which can immobilise you with poison, and kill you fast with their claws. But they have the intelligence of an animal. You can fool them. Just remember, they're smarter than regular animals.  
  
Kain: Do they come in player classes, too?  
  
Jamie: They start out as small creatures, that look like spiders, called facehuggers. They impregnate your face, and not long after, the chestburster burst out of your chest. If these things eat enough food, they grow up to be fully sized aliens. Depending on what they facehugged, they will grow up to become a drone alien, a runner alien, or a predalien. Besides those classes, there's praetorians, designed to protect the queen alien, that gives birth to the facehuggers. She is bigger than the rest, and the most deadly.  
  
Kain: Can they impregnate you guys? You use masks, after all.  
  
Sammy: Strangely enough, they can.  
  
Kain: Bizarre.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: I'm calling you BOOYAH from now on.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: So what do you need him and the neanderthal for?  
  
Jamie: Ed is the most diverse of us. And Jobie is our muscle man. He can't be used for many other things, though.  
  
Sammy: Oh, another advantage of the hunting mask is, you can zoom in on things.  
  
Kain: I see. And what would the benefit of that be?  
  
Jamie: Your speargun can hit from any distance.  
  
Kain: Aha. I don't really think I'll need the plasmacaster, and combi stick. I can throw energy bolts, and the blood-reaver can pierce armor.  
  
Jamie: So can the combistick.  
  
Kain: Yeah, but I'm faster with the reaver.  
  
Sammy: You need to take trophies, by the way.  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Jamie: Gives you more spears for your spear gun.  
  
Kain: How does that work?  
  
Jamie: Never you mind. Just trust it works.  
  
Kain: You guys sure rule at giving tips.  
  
Sammy: Look, just because COAD is ignorant, doesn't mean you have to go all sarcastic at us.  
  
Kain: So, which one of you guys are most intelligent? Sammy, or Jamie?  
  
Sammy: Ed would be, if he said anything else than BOOYAH.  
  
Kain: So besides him, who's the most intelligent one?  
  
Jamie: Sammy.  
  
Sammy: By the way, Kain, never kill defenseless humans, or pregnant women.  
  
Kain: Why not?  
  
Jamie: Honour of the hunter!  
  
Kain: You're chivalrous?  
  
Sammy: Yep.  
  
Kain: I've never heard of a chivalrous female before. Oh well. So, what's the problem, that makes you come and disturb my evening, anyway?  
  
Jamie: A crazy scientist has captured 5 alien queens. He's breeding aliens like you wouldn't believe.  
  
Kain: Where does he get hosts, then?  
  
Sammy: He's used religious fundamentalists.  
  
Kain: Problem being?  
  
Jamie: He has run out of those people, and will start to use innocent people, as hosts.  
  
Kain: What's his plans?  
  
Jamie: He's gonna unleash his army of aliens upon this world.  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Jamie: His motives are unknown so far.  
  
Kain: How did you find out, what his plans are?  
  
Sammy: Ed sneaked into the scientist's lab, and overheard the dialogue, while cloaked. He relayed the information to us.  
  
Kain: All he ever does is say BOOYAH! How was he capable of informing you?  
  
Sammy: He can write it down.  
  
Kain: You guys are weird. So why do you need my help, anyway?  
  
Jamie: Your abilities in the area of fighting can be beneficial to us. Plus, you know more about humans and this world than we do.  
  
Sammy: Which reminds me, the scientist has a huge army of soldiers, that can help him, while he's getting his army of insects bred.  
  
Kain: Well, if you can go invisible, does it really matter?  
  
Jamie: For humans, they have advanced weapons.  
  
Kain: Sucks to be me, then. Okay, I'll do it. So, how do you guys look under the masks?  
  
Ed, Jamie, and Jobie remove their masks.  
  
Kain: HOLY SHIT! YOU GUYS ARE UGLY! How come Sammy hasn't removed her mask?  
  
Sammy: I never remove my mask.  
  
Kain: So, you are the ugliest one?  
  
Kain then gets a combistick slammed into his groin.  
  
Kain: Ouch.  
  
And so, the chapter ended, with Kain's groin being smashed.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Now, I want the usual 5 reviews. 


	2. All messed up

Kudos.  
  
Dark-Sephy: I hope to live up to that.  
  
Mortalsora: I'm also waiting for that movie to come out. I hope they do it well, though. And that Raziel thing you suggested might be included.  
  
Flame of Corruption: Whoops, there it goes again. Your attention is more slippery, than a piece of soap. (Just kidding)  
  
Wolfboy1988: Well, it WAS already done with the games. I just thought of bringing Kain into it.  
  
TTT: Hope you can get off the floor. I'm glad you like it.  
  
Mikoto Zoku: Well, some persons probably do need some background info.  
  
Sorry for not writing in such a long time. My internet was messed up.  
  
Here's some new shit for y'all!  
  
***********************************************************  
  
In a lab in New York, some scientists are researching some facehuggers. In the lab, there's also other animals. The scientists leave, and five humanoid creatures decloak.  
  
Kain: Well, I un-misted, so............  
  
Shut up.  
  
Kain: So what are we doing here?  
  
Jamie: We need to destroy those things, before they get inflicted upon hosts.  
  
All of the glasses gets destroyed, so the facehuggers are on the loose.  
  
Sammy: Ah, Hell!  
  
One facehugger jumps for Kain. He calmly catches it by it's tail, then swings it around like a lasso. He lets it go, and it facehugs a monkey.  
  
Jamie: Okay, how the hell did you do that?  
  
Kain: I've trained myself for any type of situation.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Jobie: ME SMASH SPIDERTHINGS! UGGA BUGGA!  
  
Kain sees something rush by in a hurry. He can't quite make out what it is, though.  
  
Kain: Come on! It was so obviously another predator!  
  
Can it! You're spoiling the story.  
  
The other 4 predators switch their predtech view on, just to see a predator run out of the door.  
  
Jamie: Odd. I didn't think a predator would do something like that.  
  
Suddenly, a black alien (who's small in comparison to other aliens) runs in, and humps Kain's leg.  
  
Kain: So, this is what it was all about..........  
  
Jamie: Why is it so little?  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: Is this how dangerous they get?  
  
Sammy: No. Usually, they'd rip you a new asshole.  
  
Jamie: It must have been made by a dog.  
  
Sammy: That explains the humping.  
  
Kain: 0_o  
  
A huge rumble is heard. The 5 predators- Well, 4 predators, and a vampire- look out in the hallway, and see an ocean of aliens coming along. Well, they must be pushed by something, because they're all jammed, it seems.  
  
Kain: Okay, anyone has a rocket launcher?  
  
Sammy: I have remote bombs.  
  
Kain: Then use 'em, Bitch!  
  
Sammy then throws her disc into his groin.  
  
Kain: JESUS, THAT DOES HURT!  
  
Ed and Jamie starts shooting the aliens with the plasmapistol (Extended Universe), while Sammy throws remote bombs (EU) at them. Jobie just bashes them with his combistick. Kain makes giant meteors appear in his hands, then throws it at them.  
  
Kain: Hey, these are some easy bastards to kill. (gets jumped by 11 normal aliens, 8 runner aliens, and 3 predaliens)  
  
Ed: BOOYAH! (twirls a predalien around with his combistick)  
  
Jamie: Take this, suckas!  
  
He then blows up a bunch with the plasmacaster.  
  
Kain (muffled): Help me!  
  
Sammy: I'll handle this!  
  
She jumps into the fray, with a combistick she stole from Jobie. She smashes aliens to the left and to the right, and probably doesn't care about not hitting Kain.  
  
Kain: Watch where you swing that thing! I'm glad Vorador ain't here.  
  
A bunch of marines run in, armed with pulserifles. The predators cloak, and Kain becomes mist. The aliens get killed by the marines.  
  
Marine 1 (Harrison): So why are we in a story, that takes place in 2004, when we're from far out in the future, and why do we already have those kinds of pulserifles?  
  
Marine 2 (Johnson): I heard, that it's because the author's insane.  
  
Marine 3 (Ichiro): That would explain why the aliens got jammed.  
  
Marine 4 (Billy, from Predator 1): There's something else out there, hunting us. And it ain't a man..........  
  
Kain walks out of his mist form.  
  
Kain: I'm gonna kill you for that comment! RAAAAARGH!  
  
Sammy: Dumbass.  
  
Kain slaughters the marines, then steals their heads.  
  
Kain: ROAR!  
  
Jamie: Something's not right. Why was Billy here, and why do they pack such firepower, when it's only 2004?  
  
Kain: Better get used to the fact, that stories by this author, does absolutely not make any sense.  
  
Sammy: It doesn't?  
  
The suicide squad from Life Of Brian runs in, and impales themselves.  
  
Leader: That.......... Showed them.......... Huh? (dies)  
  
Sammy: I see.  
  
A bunch of diskettes run in, and format themselves.  
  
Sammy: YOU'VE MADE YOUR FREAKING POINT, JACKASS! Hudson, come here........ Oh wait, wrong movie.  
  
Speaker: Exosuits to sector 12.  
  
Jamie: Shit, that's here!  
  
Kain: Exosuits?  
  
Jamie: Robotic suits, with heavy weaponry.  
  
Kain: That means we gotta get out of here, doesn't it?  
  
Jamie: It does, unless you wanna take on a flamethrower-lasergun-minigun- rocketlaunching badass of a machine.  
  
Sammy (scouting ahead): 4 machines, actually.  
  
Kain: Can they see us, if we're invisible?  
  
Sammy: Only if we move.  
  
Speaker: Aliens in sector 12.  
  
Kain: We don't have much choice, do we?  
  
Sammy: Nope.  
  
They run, they run to the hills!  
  
Kain: Enough with the bad music jokes!  
  
As they turn a corner, 4 black aliens with weirdly shaped heads confront them.  
  
Kain: What the hell is that?  
  
Jamie: Praetorians.  
  
Kain (whipping out the reaver): BRING IT ON!  
  
He slices and dices and jises (hey wait, that's not a word........) the praetorians, and acid is standing out in all directions. It burns a hole in the floor.  
  
Kain: Oh shit. (falls a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong way down)  
  
Alien queen: *hisses*  
  
Kain: Isn't it a little early for a showdown?  
  
The queen whacks him hard in the face with her tail, sending him up through the hole again.  
  
Kain: That hurts almost as much as Sammy nailing my groin with that damn disc of hers.  
  
Marines: There's movement!  
  
Kain: GOD-DAMN! (runs like hell)  
  
Marine with rocket launcher: Eat homing rocket, biatch! (fires a targeting rocket)  
  
Kain: Ha! I can dodge that easily. (dodges to the side)  
  
The rocket stops right at the spot, then flies after Kain.  
  
Kain: What-the-fu- Huh? Damn censors.  
  
There's no such thing as freedom of speech in my stories. Only for me.  
  
Kain: Don't want Rage Against The Machine bitching against you, huh?  
  
They broke up, Kain.  
  
Kain: What?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!  
  
Kain's predradio: Kain? Jamie here. Get to the upper level fast!  
  
Kain: What do you want me to do? Uppercut an alien, so he acid bleeds through? I'm on the damn 5th floor, damnit!  
  
Sammy: Just get your ugly ass up here!  
  
Jamie: We've really started cursing, huh?  
  
Kain: It's a PG-13 rated story, anyway. We can get away with it.  
  
Sammy: Just follow the damn stairs!  
  
Kain does so. He ends up on a landing field on the outside.  
  
Kain: Where did those bastards go?  
  
Then, in a total ripoff of Aliens, the alien queen appears in the doorway.  
  
Kain: Aw shit!  
  
Again ripping Aliens off, the predship appears, and Kain jumps on it.  
  
Kain: I've seen that movie. She's probably outside on the ship.  
  
Sammy: Ed, Jobie. Deal with the queen.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
They go out on the ship, and the sound of something heavy dropping off is heard.  
  
Kain: Was that the queen?  
  
Jobie: NO! ME FALL OFF! (jumps back on)  
  
Kain: Okay, how strong is that dude?  
  
Jamie: He's as strong as he's stupid.  
  
Kain: So, getting in a fight with him would be helluva dumb?  
  
Sammy: As dumb as him.  
  
Jamie: So, where did all those aliens come from, anyway? There was only 20 facehuggers in the lab, and no aliens grow that fast.  
  
Sammy: Maybe they were already grown.  
  
Kain: Probably.  
  
Jamie: Wouldn't that require a queen?  
  
Freddie Mercury: Did someone call for the band?  
  
Kain: I thought you were dead, dude!  
  
Freddie Mercury: Who wants to live forever? (walks out)  
  
Kain: Riiiiiight.  
  
Jamie: There isn't any queen in that complex, so where would the eggs for that sea of aliens come from?  
  
Kain: Well, I found a queen down at the bottom of that acidburned hole.  
  
Sammy: What?! Why would there be a queen down there?  
  
Kain: Beats me. Literally. It whacked me with it's tail.  
  
Sammy: Hah! Looks like you were bitchslapped!  
  
Kain: But I'm not a woman!  
  
Sammy: With that hair, I'd be willing to take the bet.  
  
Kain: It's better than your pigtails.  
  
Sammy: THOSE ARE DREADLOCKS, DAMNIT!  
  
She smashes Kain's groin, by kicking it.  
  
Kain: HOLY SHIT! DAMN, IT HURTS!  
  
*****************************************************  
  
So, give me 5 bloody reviews. And don't be afraid to give me more. 


	3. Flashbacks? Oh no

Kudos:  
  
Wolfboy1988: SNL? What's that?  
  
TTT (I hope you don't mind me calling you that): Sorry about the chair. Damn, I didn't know it'd have that effect.  
  
Mortalsora: Well, you know he's a dumbass, so he'll never learn to wear one, if I know him correctly.  
  
Mikoto Zoku: He probably will. It's my fic, after all. The New York thing........ Bizarre idea I had.  
  
Ratface: Well, making fun of my own mistakes is something I enjoy, so...........  
  
Covenant Elite: You like that? That's good.  
  
A/N: (singing) I got Defiiiianceeeeee!!! BWAHAHAHAHAH! And, I've finished it, too. IN YOUR FACE, AMERICA!!  
  
Beware of Defiance spoilers! Unless you've finished it, you might get the story spoiled, from reading this. So don't say I didn't warn you. Oh hell, I'll do it again.  
  
BEWARE OF DEFIANCE SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ******************************************************************  
  
Kain wants to kill some people, to take out his frustration. Where does he get that frustration from, you ask? He's in this fic. That would piss anyone off.  
  
Moebius: Hello.  
  
Kain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Notyouagain!  
  
Moebius: So how come you don't like me?  
  
Kain: One word: Milk.  
  
Moebius: Ah yes, want some?  
  
Kain: BYAAAAARHHH!!!!! MO'FO'!  
  
Kain then levitates Moebius with his telekinetic abilities, then pulls him towards him, impaling him on his reaver.  
  
Moebius: Woah! Defiance flashback!  
  
He then dies for god knows what time.  
  
Kain: Well, they say the coward dies a thousand times.......  
  
A very small spider crawls past.  
  
Kain: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!! !!!!!!! (jumps approximately 5 kilometers in the air)  
  
COAD: I wonder if he's dead, then.  
  
Kain: SHUT UP! (sings) I'm an asshole........  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: You shut up, too.  
  
Ed then thwaps Kain with his combistick.  
  
Kain: Okay, that's it! You're going down!  
  
He jumps at Ed, trying to swipe him with the reaver. Ed ducks down, and slams the combistick into Kain's groin.  
  
Sammy: Hey, that's my job!  
  
Okay, both of them are now fighting Kain.  
  
Kain: I have taken on 5 demons. 2 freaking predators should be no problem.  
  
He tries to do the first combo you learn in Defiance, on the 2 predators, but they get out of the way. They try to slam him down..........  
  
Kain: But fails! HAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
.......... And succeeds.  
  
Kain: What?! OWWWWWW! AUCH! GOD, THAT DOES HURT!  
  
Sammy: That'll teach ya!  
  
Raziel pops in.  
  
Raziel: Hello.  
  
Kain: Yo, Raz-man, can you help me with those bastards?  
  
Raziel: Sure. I take the girl, and you take the other one.  
  
Kain (muttering): Good thing you're groin is gone.....  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Kain: Nothing, nothing.  
  
So they fight, and Raziel is lucky to not have a groin. Hey, that sounds weird...........  
  
Raziel: Dumbass.  
  
Suddenly, he is swept away by an alien.  
  
Kain: The hell?! We gotta save him!  
  
Sammy: He's about to be "impregnated". You can't do anything about it.  
  
Kain: So, what, we're gonna have a winged alien?  
  
Sammy: Crap! You're right!  
  
Suddenly, the whole area is bombed with 50000000000000000000000 tons of napalm.  
  
Crazy military man: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like.......... Victory.  
  
Kain: What's burning?  
  
Sammy: That's us!  
  
Kain: Heh................. Shit! You're right! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! !!  
  
Jamie: What's going on in here?  
  
Kain: I swear, I haven't touched her!  
  
Jamie: Not that, you fat dope! Why is everything burning?  
  
Sammy: We were having a nice little campfire, when you interrupted us.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Jamie: Why's everything burning?  
  
Kain: A load of napalm.  
  
Jamie: Must be that John Bush guy. He has a napalm fetish.  
  
Kain: Advanced Bush joke!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: Shut up! So, Sammy, since you won't remove your mask, does that mean you are über-ugly?  
  
So after Kain has gotten his head nearly slapped off by a combistick, he goes out to take trophys among a bunch of marine soldiers, that have just arrived.  
  
Poncho: Billy, you know something, what is it?  
  
Billy: I'm scared, Poncho.  
  
Poncho: Bullshit! You're ain't afraid of no man.  
  
Billy: Something out there is chasing us. And it ain't a man.  
  
Kain: Are you implying, that I'm not manly? Screw you!  
  
He blasts Billy into smithereens.  
  
Kain: That'll teach ya.  
  
So the marines pick up their weapons, and shoot at Kain. Miniguns, grenade launchers, and general fully automatic weaponry shoots at him.  
  
Kain: SONUVA-  
  
He starts running.  
  
Kain: They don't know what they have unleashed!  
  
He turns into mist, and goes back.  
  
Poncho: You think we got him?  
  
Kain: Fuke it! (drops a nuke at the area) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Some soldiers with smartguns come into the area, so Kain stands psycho- still.  
  
Soldier 1: I wonder why we have those weapons, when it's only 2004.  
  
Soldier 2: That IS a rather good question. But we were told this would be bizarre.  
  
Soldier 1: Yeah, I guess so.  
  
Kain: DIE, BASTARDS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!  
  
He kills them all with his reaver, and telekinesis.  
  
Kain: Hmm, this doesn't really seem like New York anymore.....  
  
COAD: Maybe not, but I had to put it in some kind of location.  
  
Kain: Why didn't you just use a jungle?  
  
Unknown to Kain, an alien has sneaken up on him. It pounces for him, but he hears it in time to get out of the way.  
  
Kain: Hmm, slightly slower, and you'd be just like the Zephonim.  
  
He quickly decapitates it with the reaver.  
  
Kain: I wonder what would happen, if I drank it's blood?  
  
He does so.  
  
Kain: SONUVABITCH! GOD-DAMN, THAT HURTS!  
  
Since he's so stupid, I will now poor battery-acid on him.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!  
  
Hash appears.  
  
Kain: Hello, Hash-addict.  
  
Hash: Shut up, dawg. That's the shizznezz, dawg, don't drink da battery acid, or ya tongue's gonna be burning, homie.  
  
Kain: I'd say that's a dead give away.  
  
Hash: Then why did ya do it, dawg?  
  
Kain: Shut up! That's why!  
  
Hash: Fo shizzle ma nizzle. (leaves)  
  
An alien queen walks by.  
  
Kain: Hmm, I thought Zephon was home in Nosgoth..................  
  
The other predators finds Kain.  
  
Jamie: There you are.  
  
Sammy: No shit?  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: SHUT THE HELL UP!  
  
Sammy: Can it, vamp-boy!  
  
Sammy and Jaime start arguing.  
  
Sammy: Just because I'm your sister, doesn't mean that I'll.................  
  
Kain: HOLD IT FOR A SECOND, SHE'S YOUR SISTER?  
  
Jamie: Yeah.  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
COAD: _  
  
Kain: Concept, you suck at smileys.  
  
Kain is once again bathed in battery-acid.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU................................  
  
COAD: Breathe!  
  
Kain: ..............UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS! OUCH!  
  
Suddenly, Kain and the 4 predators are warped back in time.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Lars: Det er straffen for at bringe mig ind i denne historie. (That's the punishment for bringing me into this story.)  
  
Concept: Idiot. (That one's self-explanatory.)  
  
Lars then plays the drumsticks on Concept's head. Ouch.  
  
Corey: Screw this. The second reason is that I don't want to stink. The third.  
  
Zephon: We get it. Now get done with it.  
  
VRaz: You know, Concept, this story is full of plot holes.  
  
Kain and the predators appear.  
  
Vraz: case in point.  
  
Everybody: WHAT THE HELL!?  
  
Sammy: Hmm, that kid has dreadlocks, too.  
  
Corey: Uhh, you're female, right?  
  
Sammy: Right.  
  
Corey: I'm sorta bathing right now, so if you could please cover your eyes?  
  
Sammy: Whatever.  
  
Corey looks down himself.  
  
Corey (with Vorador's voice): This one is better equipped than me.  
  
Kain: I remember this part! Now Concept goes crazy! Heheh.  
  
Past Concept starts beating Vorador up badly. Kain and the 4 predators get transported further back.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Just as they arrive, lightning flashes.  
  
Cop: ??  
  
Sebastian: What in satan's sausages (sorry, Mortalsora) am I doing here?  
  
Marcus: And what's up with Mr. Helmet sunglasses here?  
  
Cop: ???  
  
Faustus: What are all those shining lights?  
  
Faustus jumps back into town, even though they were all 5 miles out of town, uhh city, whatever. And I have no idea how much miles are. We use the metric system here in Denmark.  
  
Corey: Who were that? Tell me now, I want to know what's going on.  
  
Vorador: There are more important matters at foot.  
  
Cop: ????? WHAT IN THE NAME OF HE WHO CANNOT BE NAMED IS GOING ON?  
  
Hash: Well, basically, we are a bunch of vampires/demons/ghosts/pillar guardians who have possessed this young boy, because we are looking for one of us's wife, who have gone here.  
  
Cop: The weirdo who jumped into town, is he dangerous?  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, the annoying sequnce is back. CONCEPT!  
  
The COAD of the past shows up.  
  
Past Concept: Why are there 2 Kains in my story?  
  
Kain: Get me the present Concept, please!  
  
The Now-Concept.... Me, shows up.  
  
Kain: You're just doing this to avoid typing new shit, aren't you?  
  
Me: yeah, look, I'm already at eight pages.  
  
Kain: Could we get back to the main story, please?  
  
Me: Okay, okay.  
  
************************************************************  
  
Janos: Why should Raziel be the Messiah? His name doesn't have the same amount of letters as Jesus! My name does! Janos, Jesus, five letters. Christ, Audron, six letters. It makes perfect sense! And neither of us hated the ones who persecuted us! Sheesh! It should be me. I'm more mature for it.  
  
Kain: Uhh, Concept, not far enough.  
  
Me: Ooops.  
  
**************************************************************  
  
Moebius: Ahh, that was good milk.  
  
Vorador: That wasn't milk  
  
Everybody but Moebius: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DISGUSTING.  
  
Kain: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! DAMNIT, CONCEPT, IT'S STILL NOT FAR ENOUGH!  
  
*************************************************************  
  
They finally arrive in the correct time. But I can't remember where I've gotten to, and I'm too damn lazy to check, so let's just say they have arrived in a cave, filled with aliens.  
  
Kain: SONUVA-  
  
Sammy: Kain, shut up.  
  
Kain: Can it, or I'll finish the above sentence.  
  
So she throws her disc at his groin.  
  
Kain: HOLY HELL, THAT DOES HURT! (kneels down)  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! THAT WAS THE NEW CHAPTER FOR YA'LL! AND WHY DO I SPEAK IN CAPS LOCK?  
  
5, preferably more reviews. Think of it this way, the more reviews I get, the faster I update. 


	4. What was this chapter about, again?

KUDOS!  
  
Mortalsora: "Weird chapter"? I have one of those? Why doesn't anyone ever tell me that?! I need to know, damnit!!!!! Glad you liked it.  
  
TTT: Okay, Tommy. (sorry, couldn't resist) Umm, you must have a high floor. Or a very low computer.  
  
Wolfboy1988: NO, SPEAKING IN CAPS LOCK IS NOT COOL. IT'S SUCKISH-BONISH! WHICH IS WEIRD FOR ME TO SAY, SINCE I'M CURRENTLY SPEAKING IN IT MYSELF. And I have not seen any Saturday Night Live sketches, so I can't include them.  
  
Mikoto Zoku: You'll like this chapter.  
  
A/N: Okay, I don't know if more than 4 people reviewed last chapter, since the review function was fuked up, but only 4 reviews?! That's a disgrace! You know this story is worthy of getting approximately 500 reviews in less than 24 hours! For each chapter, damnit!  
  
Pff, ignore that. As I said, the review function was fuked up, but I mailed them about it. I hope it works better now.  
  
There is probably still Defiance spoilers. What do I know? I can't even remember what I have written.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
So the gang are at the cavern with a fuking lot of aliens in it.  
  
Kain: Bit of a stupid place to end the chapter, don't you think?  
  
It's a cliffhanger!  
  
Kain: But a sucky one!  
  
Come on, 'sucky' is not even a word.  
  
Kain: Doesn't seem to stop you from using it.  
  
Kain will now be punished with battery acid.  
  
Kain: SONUVABITCHTHATDOESHURTAHOLELOT!  
  
It's 'wholelot', Kain.  
  
Kain: Now's not the time to discuss grammar.  
  
'Nother acid-bath.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!!!  
  
Jamie: How come you are simoultaniously talking to yourself and being bathed in acid at the same time?  
  
Kain: So you can't see him?  
  
Sammy: See who?  
  
Kain: Bugger.  
  
A swarm of aliens appear.  
  
Kain: Bugs!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
A xenomorph jumps Kain.  
  
Kain: That is not a worm! Woah, flashback!  
  
Sammy: I hope this won't involve bongs.  
  
Kain: Hey, these zenomorfs-  
  
Jamie: Xenomorphs, Kain.  
  
Kain: Xenomorphs, Kain, sorta look like the lighning demons from Soul Reaver 2.  
  
Sammy: No they don't.  
  
Kain: FUK U U LIEK BUTS!  
  
Sammy: Say what?  
  
Jamie: God-damn internet crap.........  
  
Kain: 4ll j00r base are b3l0ng to us!  
  
Sammy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT L33T!  
  
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! MY CAPS LOCK KEY HAS JUST GOTTEN ITSELF STUCK. THEREFOR, I WILL WRITE LIKE THIS FROM NOW ON!  
  
Kain: WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!  
  
Sammy: No need to shout, Kain.  
  
Kain: I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A ROOM, THAT'S LONGER THAN THE TITANIC. I DAMN WELL NEED TO SHOUT!  
  
Jamie: HOW COME YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK IN CAPS LOCK?  
  
Sammy: Because I'm a woman.  
  
Jamie: EQUAL RIGHTS, MY ASS!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
The 10 "bouncers" from Blood Omen 1, oh wait a minute runs in.  
  
Jamie: BOOBIES!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
A black demon from Soul Reaver 2 shows up.  
  
Kain: SONUVA-  
  
It smacks him very hard in the head. Then Ed and Jamie slams it with their combisticks. Vorador pops in.  
  
Vorador: They slam their sticks against each other........ Wink wink!!  
  
Kain: Vorador, that was last chapter, you pope!  
  
Vorador: Don't you mean dope?  
  
Kain: I stand by my statement!  
  
Vorador: Damn religious jokes........  
  
A disc goes flying by. It takes an alien's head clean off, and Sammy growls, like predators do, when they behead someone.  
  
Sammy: ROAR!  
  
Kain: Easy there, Xena.  
  
Sammy: YALALALLALALALALLALALALALALALALALAL!!!!!!!!  
  
A predalien pounces Kain, sending them both through a mirror, that's nearby. The alien dies from it.  
  
Kain: I sense........ RIPOFF!  
  
As he walks away, the Kains in the glass shards come to life. 3 of them pick up a pitchfork. They aim it at Kain's butt.  
  
Mini-Kain 1: RAMMING SPEED!  
  
They run over, and impale his ass.  
  
Kain: OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHH!!! SOMEONE'S been watching Army of Darkness lately........  
  
Jamie: This is getting bizarre!  
  
Wagner starts playing. You know, the one they used to scare the Vietnams in Apocalypse Now.  
  
Jamie: ...............Case in point.  
  
Kain: Whatever. We still have 5 pages to fill out.  
  
Sammy: Say what?  
  
Kain: Well, just 4 now.  
  
2 of those fatass vampire hunters with sledgehammers from Defiance runs in.  
  
Kain: SOMEONE'S been playing Defiance through again.  
  
Yep. Only took me around 10 hours this time! ^_^'  
  
Kain: Damn sweat-drop-smileys........  
  
Anyway, the fatasses smack Kain around with their sledgehammers.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS! Oh wait, that's not correct........ IT HUUUUUURTS!!!!!  
  
Fatass 1: Suck it up, vampire scum!  
  
Kain: At least I don't have a moustache!  
  
Fatass 2: Are you dissing our moustaches? DIE!  
  
He gets smacked around again. Man, Kain needs to learn how to fight.  
  
Kain: A cyberdemon! My kingdom for a cyberdemon!  
  
A cyberdemon appears.  
  
Fatass 1: We're so screwed!  
  
Approximately 500000000 rockets are launched at the fatass vampire hunters.  
  
Kain: Groovy!  
  
He gets rockets in his face, too. Well, maybe he suck at fighting, but it's damn hard to kill him, that's for sure.  
  
Kain: Shut up! You're just mad, that Defiance made you religious!  
  
Look, just because I say "God-damnit!" a whole lot of times, doesn't mean I'm religious now.  
  
Kain: Yeah, right! Don't you know it's a sin to take God's name in vain?  
  
Since Kain seems to have gone religious on us, he will now be bathed in battery acid.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!!!  
  
Jobie: OOGAA BOOGAA!!!!  
  
Kain: SHUTA UPA!  
  
Kain is starting to get pissed off, so he picks up an alien with that attack he did in his first fight with Raziel in Soul Reaver 1, sending the alien over to him, where he proceeds to cut it's head off.  
  
Kain: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: SHUTTY UPPYAH!  
  
Jamie: This really is getting weird.  
  
Kain: You've been saying that the entire evening! It's time you get some new mantra to chant!  
  
Jamie: SOMEONE'S been reading Maddox lately.....  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Raziel is strapped to a cliché evil table. NOT for kinky experiences, though. (I know you're all out there, all you perverted Raziel fans.)  
  
?: Ready to get impregnated, Raziel? (A/N: Okay, I retract my statement........)  
  
Raz: SAY WHAT?  
  
?: Don't go all Sammy on me.  
  
An egg is placed in front of Raziel. It slowly opens.  
  
Raz: Hey, is that a hand coming out?  
  
A facehugger jumps his face.  
  
Raz: HELP! THERE'S A GIANT VAGINA JUMPING AT M- (A/N: Well, facehuggers DO look like that. Honestly! Ask any Alien expert!)  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Kain: Hmm, something has happened to Raziel.  
  
Jamie: how do you know?  
  
Kain: Because we have just been inactive for 10 lines, and Raziel is the only other character of significance in this story.  
  
Sammy: Huh?  
  
Kain: Never mind.  
  
Now, I don't really have any ideas for what to do next, so Sammy will kick Kain in the groin, for no good reason at all.  
  
Kain: Hey!  
  
Sammy: Take this, you stupid dope!  
  
She kicks him in the groin.  
  
Kain: I really do need that cup, Mortalsora suggested....... OOOOOUCH!!!  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
The scene is a road. Moebius is to be used as a speedbump.  
  
Moebius: I'm doing what in the what-what?  
  
A car drives into him, splattering him out!  
  
All LOK fans: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!!! BOOYAH!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Blood of Angels: NOW he remembers..........  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Kain: I'm actually getting kind of hungry.  
  
He goes into the jungle, in search of blood.  
  
Jamie: But we're in a cave, still.  
  
Okay, Kain tries to find his way around the cave.  
  
Kain: SONUVA-  
  
After countless of alien attacks, heavily armed marines, and people, that impale themselves in the name of bananas, the gang finally finds-  
  
Kain: The exit to the cave?  
  
No, a lair of facehuggers, who have just sensed the gang.  
  
Kain: ........FUDGESTICKLES!  
  
(Hey, page 7!)  
  
Kain: DAMNIT, NOT THAT AGAIN!  
  
What, it takes up space.  
  
Kain: I don't care! You will not do that stupid stuff!  
  
You know, Kain, this is a PG-13 rated story, you can say 'shit'.  
  
Kain: SHIT YOU!  
  
Although not if the grammar's fuked up. Kain is bathed in battery acid.  
  
Kain: DAMNIT! IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!  
  
Ladies and Gentlemen, my arm has an itch! I must have gotten a god-damn mosquito bite! Or if I'm lucky, it's not a mosquito. I really do hope they're still dead.  
  
Kain: You see? "God-damn"! I told you you had gone religious!  
  
Shut up. Kain is once again bathed in acid.  
  
Kain: SONUVABITCH!  
  
Sammy: That's discriminative!  
  
She kicks Kain in the groin. He keels over.  
  
Kain: Bloody......hell........  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
5 reviews, damnit! Or more! DAMNIT! I curse too fukin much. 


	5. FINALLY some plot developement and about...

Kudos!  
  
Omega Xsabre: I don't know how to get smileys included. And since you seem to be a Raziel fan, you'll hate me for this chapter.  
  
Mortalsora: Well, he's stupid enough to try. And Kain gets even more pissed off than Adam Sandler, so you know he has it bad.  
  
Tommie: (sorry, couldn't resist) Well, as long as I don't have to pay, I'm cool.  
  
Mikoto: Well, Vorry's a perv.........  
  
Wolfboy1988: Excellent idea!  
  
A/N: Okay, updates have been lacking, since reviews have taken a long time. I blame you guys. (I rule at getting people to review, don't I?) Also, this story might not continue for so long. I'm kind of getting impatient for starting a Defiance parody, and an unknown project to all but me! (and Ratface, but he's not reading this, until he has finished Defiance, so it doesn't matter.)   
  
Oh, and Slayer rules!  
  
**************************************************************************** ********  
  
Kain: Man, I'm so sick of being burned with battery acid, and knee-groined by Sam. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!  
  
Sammy: Deal with it.  
  
Jamie: Yeah, Kain, quit your bitching! You'll live.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain gets an evil glint in his eye.  
  
(punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound)  
  
Sammy: OUCH!  
  
Jamie: OWWIE!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
(punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound)  
  
Sammy: Not again, damnit!  
  
Kain: Deal with it.  
  
Suddenly, approximately a lot of facehuggers jump at the group.  
  
Kain: Sonuva-  
  
One flies for his face, so he catches it by it's tail, and starts swinging it around. He's got no one to throw it at, though.  
  
Kain: There are 4 fuking predators standing around me!  
  
I don't care. You have no one to cast it at.  
  
Kain: Then what do you propose I do?  
  
A fuking lot of fundamentalistic Christians show up.  
  
Jehova's Witness 1: Discover the power of the Lord!  
  
Jesus freak 1: JESUS will save you!  
  
Kain: Whatever.  
  
He throws the facehugger at motherfu- I mean Jesus freak 1.  
  
Kain: Damn straight!  
  
The group now faces an army of facehuggers, and a church. I mean, a bunch of idiots. I mean fundamentalist Christians! (religious nuts are gonna flame me for this chapter.)  
  
Kain: I hope this is not gonna be like chapter 4 of The Shining, Oh wait a minute.  
  
Sammy slaps Kain.  
  
Kain: Like I said..................  
  
(punchsound)  
  
Jamie: Hit my sister, eh?  
  
(punchsound)  
  
Jamie: *cries*  
  
Kain: That'll teach ya!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Sammy: A real man never hits a lady. Never!  
  
Kain: Well, I'm a vampire, not a man.  
  
Sammy: I thought there was something about the hair..........  
  
Kain: What's that?  
  
Sammy: Nothing, nothing.  
  
Suddenly, the whole cave flashes, and an explosion erupts.  
  
Kain: WOAH! Terminator 2 flashback!  
  
Anyway, the cave explodes.  
  
(Explosionsound)  
  
At the soothed spot, stands a pissed off Kain. The reason he's pissed, is because the explosion awoke Raziel in the reaver, and he is ranting at Kain.  
  
Raziel: Kain, you bloated bastard!  
  
Kain: What have I done?!  
  
Raziel: You didn't thank me for my sacrifice! (clonks Kain in the head)  
  
Kain: OOOOW!  
  
(punchsound)  
  
Raziel: ...............ow..............  
  
The entire band of Slipknot, the world's heaviest band (there are nine bandmembers, that's gotta be a lot of weight) runs in and headbangs Kain into submission.  
  
Kain: Owwww!  
  
(punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound) (punchsound)  
  
Entire Slipknot: OUCH!  
  
Kain: Wow, synchronically!  
  
It starts raining.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS! Hey, where are all the others?  
  
Jamie (telepathically): Kain, we have been kidnapped!  
  
Kain: YAY!  
  
Jamie: Asswipe. You're on your own. You must rally the forces of Willen- whoops, wrong story.  
  
Kain: Who's really the asswipe?  
  
Jamie: Shut up. Anyway, as far as we know, the place is crawling with aliens. You're gonna be busy killing them. You gotta rescue us!  
  
Kain: Why, and where?  
  
Ed (telepathically): BOOYAH!  
  
(telepathic punchsound)  
  
Kain: That reminds me, this is the first actual event in a long time. Everything else has just been stupid filler crap.  
  
Cue battery acid.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Easy there, Gollum.  
  
Kain: SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!  
  
Yes I do. I've played 2 games with you.  
  
Kain: Umm.................  
  
Out of words, eh?  
  
Kain: ........ Shut up!  
  
(punchsound)  
  
Ouch.  
  
Audience: What?! COAD just got hit?! Damn!  
  
Kain: Get used to it! Hey, he has passed out!  
  
............................  
  
Kain: Now I rule the fic!  
  
(this is Kain writing) Kain is swarmed by 80000 bisexual ladies with nice boobs!  
  
Corey (popping in): This story is only PG-13, Kain.  
  
Kain: Meaning?  
  
Corey: You can only include them, you can't describe your "adventures" with them.  
  
Kain: Whatever.  
  
Kain runs off with the ladies into a cave.  
  
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, KAIN?! The ladies all turn into naked Moebiusses.  
  
Kain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Hmm, it's freaky, I admit that.  
  
Moebius: Haven't done this in a long time.  
  
He strips down to his boxers only, then starts disco-dancing.  
  
Kain: Aw fuck!  
  
Corey: Don't say "fuck"!  
  
Kain: What's the big deal? It doesn't harm anyone. Fuck-fuckeli-fuck-fuck- fuck.  
  
Corey: Man, Concept's so screwed now.  
  
Kain: SCREW IT! I'm gonna continue the story now.  
  
Corey: I'm coming with you.  
  
Kain: HELL NO!  
  
He baseball-bats Corey out of the story with his reaver.  
  
Corey: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'LLLLLLLLLLL BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kain: Damn Terminator ripoff.....................  
  
*************************************************************************  
  
Raziel wakes up.  
  
Raziel: What have you done to me, you crazy freak?!  
  
?: You'll find out...... IN TIME!  
  
Raziel: Moebius?  
  
?: Wha- NO!  
  
Raziel: My stomach is killing me.  
  
?: Literally! (drumroll)  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Kain: I wonder what's in here.  
  
He opens it, and finds...............  
  
Kain: RAZIEL?  
  
Raziel: KAIN?  
  
Kain: The abyss has been unkind.  
  
Raziel: Wrong line, Kain.  
  
Kain: Wha- D'OH!  
  
Raziel: Kain, you gotta help me. Someone has done something weird to me.  
  
Kain: Oh geez, Raziel...... You haven' been involved in a....... a yaoi event?  
  
Raziel: ................. You know, I'm beginning to think you have a yaoi obsession.  
  
Kain: Easy there, Raziel DiCaprio.  
  
Raziel: Screw you, Kain! Hough!  
  
Raziel starts shaking violently.  
  
Kain: Oh shit.  
  
A chestburster erupts.  
  
Kain: Don't they usually not have wings?  
  
It goes straight for his ankles.  
  
Kain: Oh SHIT!  
  
(gnawsound) (gnawsound) (gnawsound)  
  
Kain: SONUVA-  
  
He kicks it, and then it jumps up and bites his groin, Austin Power style!  
  
Kain: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
He slams it into nearby iron bars and shit. (no, not literally, you weirdos)  
  
Kain: GOD, THIS HURTS! That is NOT a worm!  
  
It suddenly jumps away from him, and squirms away real quick. (what's that you say? Use it's wings? It can't in such a little age)  
  
Kain: Damn thing. Oh, Raziel.........  
  
Raziel's chest is blown open.  
  
Kain: heh, he's like Janos.  
  
Zack De La Roach: BORN OF A BROKEN MAN, BUT NOT A BROKEN MAN!  
  
Kain: Damn Concept and his damn music jokes........ Hey, Sammy's not here to kick me in my groin! That means the chapter won't end!  
  
Zack: That's what I'm here for.  
  
(Kicksound)  
  
Kain: Bloody murder! (keels over)  
  
**************************************************************  
  
GIVE ME MY BLOODY 5 REVIEWS!  
  
And feel free to flame. You'll get whooped, and I always seem to get more reviews, if I have been flamed. 


	6. COAD is a sellout!

Kudos.  
  
Omega XSabre: I wouldn't mind being included, but if you're thinking about having me co-author it, I'm gonna have to say no. I simply won't have the time for that. (and if that's not what you meant, I have just said something very irrelevant.) And what are these things you've been saying behind my back about owning those stained bedsheets? It's a lie. A LIE, I TELL YOU! Besides, everybody knows that my bedsheets are-  
  
Kain: Just hold it there.  
  
Anyway, I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION! RAAAARGH!  
  
Mortalsora: I always knew he had a fetish for pain. Those torture instruments in his mansion was for himself!!  
  
Mikoto Zoku: I still say Kain is cooler.  
  
WolfBoy1988: You like crossovers, eh?  
  
Tommie: Yep. A Defiance parody...........  
  
A/N: Ladies and Gentlemen; I have news for you! In a ploy to get more reviewers, I have decided to sell out and be politically correct (since I'm a gimmick-employer), so I can get a G rating, instead of this PG-13 rating, that only gets me the elite reviewers, since we all know that quantity should go ahead of quality. God bless the democracy, where it doesn't matter if you're right, just how many idiots claim the same thing.  
  
*************************************************************** Kain: Dear audience, due to Concept selling out, this chapter won't be offensive at all. After all, we don't want little kids getting corrupted, by this nasty story, which only serves to offend the general populace, what with it's "s*xual jokes" and lack of any necessary points, but those corrupted and Satanically evil viewpoints of the author, which he expresses through characters, that he himself didn't invent. Enjoy this chapter, which will be ridden of any fun parts whatsoever, in order to make it non- offensive. **********************************************************  
  
We start off where we left in last chapter. Where Kain and Zack De La Roach of Rage Against The Machine had a nice decent conversation, that trailed off into the end of the chapter.  
  
Kain: He must be able to write decent stories without all that offensive nonsense he usually employs.  
  
Zack: Amen to 'dat, brotha!  
  
Kain: I just feel, that he shouldn't make all those jokes, that are so insulting and belittling to people, that haven't done anything to him. Things are only funny, when no one gets hurt.  
  
Zack: What were brotha talkin' 'bout with Mikoto Zoku and Ratface on Messenger, with brothas not deserving jobs all the time? If a brotha don't get a job, it's racism, yo!  
  
Kain: As it is with women and homosexuals and general oppressed minorities who don't get a job. It's just discrimination!  
  
Zack: Yeah!  
  
An actual sane person walks in.  
  
Corey: Kain, what the H*ll are you talking about?! HEY! WHY WAS IT CENSORED?!  
  
Kain: We are all sick of potty mouths....  
  
Zack: Actually, that's offensive to sick people.  
  
Kain: Oh, I forgot. We are tired of-  
  
Zack: That's offensive to lazy people.  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. We don't want to hear your potty mouth anymore, Corey.  
  
Corey: And why has your hair been cut short, Kain?  
  
Kain: You know, Zack, I think we should get rid of this Corey person.  
  
Zack: I think you are right, Kain. IN THE NAME OF ANTI-DISCRIMINATION, BROTHA!  
  
They sh**t him.  
  
Kain: Oooops! We shot him! Oh my God, look at all that bl**d!  
  
Zack: We will get rid of it, before the chapter is posted!  
  
They rewind to just before they k*ll Corey.  
  
Corey: I know what you are gonna do! (Runs off)  
  
Kain: Well, that saved us the trouble.  
  
Zack: You know what, Kain? I love you like a brotha!  
  
Kain: I love you, too, you stereotype you.  
  
They hug.  
  
Kain: You are my bestest friend, Zack. Wanna help me make the world a better place, so we can pick flowers?  
  
Zack: I can't. I have to write a new song, that will criticise Bush.  
  
Kain (über-shocked): You don't like Bush?  
  
Zack: Uhh, no.  
  
Kain: I am offended by you!  
  
Zack is dragged off by two government agents, who look oddly like Mr Smith from The Matrix.  
  
Kain: I was offended by that movie! It was secretly a rant against Christians and the government!  
  
Oh for Hell's sake!  
  
**************************************************************  
  
I can't do this. I just can't. I have to be offensive! Do any of you realise how hard it is to be politically correct? Fuckin' hell! Pardon me, while I go and wash my face, before I go chapter 4 on this chapter. (Little injoke, for those of you, who read chapter 4 of you-know-what)  
  
****************************************************************  
  
In order to compensate for the lack of controversy, a porn clip will now be showing.  
  
................................................ ................................................ ................................................  
  
Oh, go find one yourself! I can't give you perverts everything! Here, have a scene with the "bouncers".  
  
*************************************************************  
  
Kain (waking up): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! What a nightmare! Is my hair intact? (checks hair) Thank God! It is. I mean, thank Satan!  
  
Isn't that supposed to be my line?  
  
Kain: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! THE SELLOUT! THE SELLOUT!  
  
Kain, that was just a dream.  
  
Kain: Excellent! Now just exactly why was I sleeping?  
  
Because I didn't have any ideas, so I had to pretend to be a sellout, in order to write something, until my ideas come back.  
  
Kain: Please have comed back, please have comed back.  
  
(Eyebrows are currently raised MUCH!!!!!!!)  
  
Kain: Where exactly were I last chapter? Oh yeah, I had to go save the others.  
  
He gets up, and walks toward the stereotype evil lair on a high cliff. The lab is shaped like a Baphomet symbol.  
  
Kain: I can tell Concept's tired again.  
  
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
  
Kain: Case in point.  
  
He walks toward it. Suddenly, Frodo runs into him.  
  
Kain: Watch it, midget-bitch!  
  
Frodo: Is that so? (slam-dunks Kain)  
  
Kain: Oh, you'll get it for that!  
  
He does a circle-kick for Frodo, but he just ducks, and kicks Kain in the shin.  
  
Kain (Holding his leg and jumping around): MOTHAFU-  
  
It may be controversial, Kain, but it's still a PG-13  
  
Kain: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!  
  
He gets jumped by Frodo, and they start ripping the fight in Austin Powers 2 off.  
  
Kain: THAT'S FREAKING NOT A WORM, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!  
  
Eventually, he throws Frodo into the bushes, where he belongs. Then he gets beaten up by EVERY FREAKING ELIJAH WOOD/FRODO FAN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, BOTH GIRLS AND BOYS!  
  
Kain: ...................................Ow..................................  
  
He gets up (How, after that brutal beating with lipstick?), and runs for the nearby forest.  
  
Kain: Hey, there's a cabin with an evil face!  
  
He goes into the Evil Dead-ripoff house.  
  
Kain: Hey, there's a tape recorder!  
  
He starts it. Coughdumbassstupididiotidiotidiotcough.  
  
Tape recorder: Enob skcus ssendetcerroc lacitilop. Ehehwyreve ssa fo sdnik lla skcik ysrevortnoc.  
  
A demon flies towards Kain!  
  
Kain: HOLY SHIT!  
  
He closes the door, before the demon can fly in, and then starts screaming, because that worked against the demon for some reason in the movies. The demon stops.  
  
Kain: Excellent!  
  
Rayne jumps up, right in front of his face.  
  
Kain: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
And if you've played the games, you know that it isn't just Rayne that bounces up and down.  
  
Kain: (drools)  
  
Rayne: PERVERT!  
  
She slaps him hard.  
  
Kain: Oh, come on! Guys WILL look!  
  
Hmm, this chapter does seem to be turning into what I will refer to as "The Chapter 4" from now on.  
  
Rayne: I don't care. I can tolerate that you drool, but not the area you was drooling on.  
  
Audience: o_0  
  
Kain: we have an audience?  
  
Rayne: Yes.  
  
Kain: Rayne, you and me have so much in common.  
  
Rayne: Like what?  
  
Kain: Our names rhyme. And we both drink blood. MARRY ME!  
  
Rayne: NEVER! Besides, you already have a wife.  
  
Kain: So?  
  
Rayne: 0_o  
  
Audience: o_0  
  
(A/N: I have just seen a possible porn ad on the Nosgothic Realm forum! 0_O)  
  
Kain: That's so freaking irrelevant, you stupid "evilutionist"!  
  
No Christian injokes, Kain.  
  
Kain: SCREW YOU! (can all the politically correct morons out there read the insult?)  
  
Rayne: You're rather pissed off, aren't you?  
  
Kain: It'd change, if you'd marry me.  
  
Rayne: I FREAKING WON'T!  
  
Kain: Can I hump your leg, then?  
  
My, this ficcy is getting bizarry. And so is my spelling.  
  
Rayne: NO, YOU CAN'T!  
  
Kain: Now who's pissed off?  
  
Rayne: Just go to the friggin' lab, okay!  
  
Kain: You have the spelling abilities of McDonald's current commercial designer.  
  
Randy Jackass: i'm lovin' it!  
  
Kain/Rayne: ............................ (brutally slaughters Randy)  
  
Randy: No one loves me! (dies)  
  
Kain: I wonder why..........  
  
Rayne: Bye!  
  
Kain: No, wait!  
  
He follows her, then sees, that she is heading towards the mountain with the evil lab. She goes into a secret entrance, then he follows her into it.  
  
Kain: RAYNE? WHERE ARE YOU?  
  
For his stupidity, he will now be bathed in battery acid.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUURNS!!!!!  
  
??: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: Oh great, not you guys.  
  
Sammy: What's wrong with us?  
  
Kain: I'd rather meet Rayne again. And- Hey, where are all your masks?  
  
Jamie: Es ist missing.  
  
Kain: .................WHAT?  
  
Jamie: It's gone, you pope!  
  
Kain: Don't you mean dope?  
  
Jamie: I stand by my statement.  
  
Kain: Damn repeating religious jokes......... HOLY SHIT! SAMMY'S GEORGEOUS!  
  
And she truly is. Well, as gorgeous as a predator can be. (she really is quite ugly)  
  
Sammy: HEY!  
  
(kicksound)  
  
Bloody hell! (author keels over)  
  
Jamie: Kain, you gotta get us out of here!  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
He frees them.  
  
BAM!  
  
Kain: What the hell was that?!  
  
?????: Now, my vengeance shall return!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Kain: You know, Sammy, for a predator, you're quite pretty.  
  
Sammy: you think so?  
  
Kain: Yeah. But actually, I was hoping that you'd be offended, and get it over with, so this stupid chapter can end.  
  
Sammy: Always my pleasure, Kain.  
  
(Kicksound)  
  
**************************************************************  
  
5 reviews, please. (told you I had sold out) 


	7. FIGHT SCENES AT LAST! AND THEY SUCK!

Disclaimer: Primagen is the final boss in Turok 2, and therefore, I don't own him. In fact, all I own in this story is the predators.  
  
Kudos.  
  
Omega: Damn, you write some long reviews, dude! And how the hell should I be suggesting songs?  
  
Mortalsora: Well, political correctedness sucks bone, so I just had to make fun of it.  
  
Popeland: STONE!  
  
Mikoto: No, Kain is!  
  
Tommie: What, you think political correctedness is a good thing? Because I don't! MUAHAHAH! Oh, and I also hate Bush.  
  
A/N: Okay, people, final chapter! Hmm, I thought I had gotten 5 reviews from different persons. Bizarre. I guess Wolfboy1988 got banned.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
?????: Now, my vengeance shall return!  
  
Kain: Return? Do you realise how stupid that sounds?  
  
?????: Shut up! *Cries* (pansy) It's not my fault that the author writes in shitty ways!  
  
????? gets bathed in battery acid.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Rayne comes into the room.  
  
Rayne: Hey, this isn't where my dad is! That squid led me the wrong way! RAAAAAGH!  
  
Kain: Oh my god, it's the goddess!  
  
He then bows down Muslim style in Rayne's direction.  
  
Rayne: Weirdo!  
  
She walks over to him, and blasts him in the head with a shotgun.  
  
?????: ENOUGH OF THIS INSOLENT BANTER!  
  
He was hidden in darkness before, but light comes on now.  
  
Sammy: BUBBA?!  
  
?????: ............no...........  
  
Jamie: Holy shit, it's Indy!  
  
Indy: YES! It is I!  
  
Kain: You guys have weird grammar!  
  
Indy: Be silent, you insolent fool!  
  
Kain: I can see you have the evil-dude-lingo down, but do ya walk the walk?  
  
He pulls out his reaver, and jumps up on the platform, that Indy is on.  
  
Kain: And now.......... You die!  
  
Indy casually smacks Kain down from the platform.  
  
Kain: OUCH! What predator class is he?!  
  
Sammy: Last time we saw him, he was a heavy predator.  
  
Jamie: We didn't have Jobie with us back then.  
  
Kain: Hmm, this really should have been said in the beginning of the story.......  
  
Indy: I AM BEYOND THE HEAVY PREDATOR CLASS!  
  
Jamie: Pipe down! We're trying to explain our background on the worst possible time.  
  
Indy: You people were always bizarre!  
  
Jamie: Possibly. But why did you attack us at that hunting trip, where we thought you died?  
  
Indy: I'll tell you why. Because Eddy there stole my preddy girlfriend! (notice the pun?)  
  
Jamie: You did, Ed?  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Indy: Since he has no regrets about it, I will only fight him.  
  
Kain: So the rest of us don't have to fight?  
  
Indy: I'll fight Ed. You'll fight Primagen!  
  
Kain: Primagen?  
  
Indy: Actually, you'll fight your grand son!  
  
Kain: I knew I should have used protection back then........  
  
Indy: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, DAMNIT!  
  
The winged alien flies out.  
  
Kain: Oh, that one.  
  
It flies down, and scratches Kain in the head.  
  
Kain: OUCH!  
  
Then Primagen flies out of a hole.  
  
Primagen: I'll kill all you wannabe nu-metal band members!  
  
Jamie: dissing the dreadlocks? You're going down!  
  
Him, Sammy and Jobie jumps down a hole, that Primagen flew down in.  
  
Kain: I really really really do hate final battles.  
  
The winged alien smacks him down another hole, as Ed and Indy begins their fight.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Indy: I'll have my vengeance, you fiend!  
  
Meanwhile, down in the hole with Kain.  
  
Kain: I'm gonna turn you into Kentucky's Fried Chicken!  
  
It swoops down, and tries to bite his head off. He ducks, though.  
  
Kain: Quack!  
  
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, DAMNIT!  
  
Kain: Oh, sorry.  
  
It swoops down again, and Kain once again ducks down. It whips his face with it's tail, though.  
  
Kain: OUCH!  
  
Then it spits acid on him.  
  
Kain: I am getting damn tired of being sprayed with acid!  
  
He then quickly slices it's right arm off with the reaver. The arm grows back out again, though.  
  
Kain: Hmm, must be a trait it inherited from Raziel's vampire blood. In that case, I gotta impale it.  
  
He looks around for spikes, while the alien is flying around up in the air. He can't find any, though. He then tries to shoot it with energy bolts. It's too fast, though. However, Kain blew a part of the wall off with one of his energy bolts, and the sunlight hits the alien. It hisses loudly.  
  
Kain: Excellent!  
  
Satan appears.  
  
Kain: D'OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Satan: Yo! Pimpin' it up, dawg! Yo gotst da right method, dawg. Just blast da sucka with sunlight, brotha!  
  
Kain: Could you kindly disappear again?  
  
Satan: No.  
  
Kain: GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY FACE! (impales Satan)  
  
Satan: YO SUCKA! (disappears)  
  
Kain: Finally!  
  
He then tries to lure the alien into the sunlight. The alien is too smart to fall for it, though.  
  
Kain: Blasted!  
  
He walks out of the sunlight, and the alien flies for him. Just as it's in his face, he does some fancy judo moves on it, sending it into the sunlight. Before it gets up and away, he decapitates it with his reaver.  
  
Kain: Another trophy!  
  
The rest of it then disintegrates into nothing.  
  
Kain: Now how do I get out of here?  
  
5 alien queens burst through the wall.  
  
Kain: ..................I hate my un-life.  
  
He blasts them with energy bolts, but without much success.  
  
Kain: FINE! I'll freaking just use my freaking reaver!  
  
He does so. But he doesn't have much better success here, than in the "demon" realm in Defiance, when I'm playing. (aka, he can barely get away from them)  
  
Kain: I HATE YOU, CONCEPT!  
  
But just as they are about to eat him, he unleashes the lightning spell, frying the living facehuggers out of the alien queens.  
  
Plothole-point-outer: but you can only use lightning when you're outside!  
  
He gets hit by lightning, too.  
  
Kain: Yeah, but I freaking blew a hole in the wall, didn't I?  
  
He then climbs up from the pit he's in.  
  
Kain: Okay, who wants some? Ooops, wrong movie.........  
  
Indy: I will get my vengeance on you, fiend. You shall not survive this day! THOU SHALT NOT PASS!  
  
Ed just smacks him around with his combistick.  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Suddenly, Indy trips Ed with his combistick, then impales him with it. (yes, this is a ripoff of the last fight scene in Terminator 2)  
  
Indy: HAHAH, I WON!  
  
He then gets severed in several pieces by 3 discs, thrown by Kain, Jamie and Sammy.  
  
Indy: BLAST- (dies)  
  
Kain: He must be born of a broken man.  
  
Kain gets bathed in battery acid, for doing another music joke.  
  
They pull the combistick out of Ed.  
  
Ed: Thank you, guys.  
  
Kain: HOLY SHIT! HE DIDN'T SAY "BOOYAH!"!!!!!!!!  
  
Ed: I guess the impalement cured me. (heals himself with the predator healing equipment.  
  
Kain: Didn't you guys have to fight that insect like dude?  
  
Sammy: We did, and we defeated him.  
  
She pulls Primagen's head out.  
  
Jamie: But what about you, Kain? Didn't you have to fight that winged alien?  
  
Kain pulls out the alien's head.  
  
Indy: HAHAH! NOW YOU'LL ALL DIE!  
  
Sammy: What the hell?! You were dead!!!!  
  
Indy: Not dead enough to not activate the self-destruction mechanism!  
  
Kain: BLASTED!  
  
He jumps up, and decapitates Indy with the reaver.  
  
Kain: We gotta get out of here.  
  
Ed: No shit?  
  
Kain: shut up!  
  
Voice: Self destruction initiated. Destruction in T minus 10 seconds.  
  
They run like hell, and a bunch of aliens chases after them. (about 5000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000000000000000 of them)  
  
Kain: BLASTED!  
  
Voice: Destruction in T minus 5 seconds.  
  
Sammy: WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!  
  
Kain: ALL OF YOU, HOLD ON TO ME!  
  
Sammy: You'd like that, wouldn't you?  
  
Jamie: GOD DAMN IT, SAMMY, JUST HOLD ON TO HIM!  
  
All the predators hold on to him, and he teleports out of the base, about 5 feet from it.  
  
Kain: D'OH!  
  
Voice: Destruction in T minus 1 seconds.  
  
Ed: JUMP FOR IT!  
  
They all attempt to jump away. The base explodes...........  
  
Base: BOOM!  
  
........Sending the 5 hunters flying, unto the predator mother ship.  
  
Hunters: *wham* OUCH!  
  
They fall down on a ramp, and gets transported into the ship.  
  
Kain: Now, since we're done, can I get home?  
  
Predator leader: No, we need to congratulate you on your help in this mission.  
  
Kain: Congratulate this! (whaps the leader with his reaver)  
  
Pred-leader: Destroy this rude person, please.  
  
Ed: No! He helped us!  
  
Jamie: Yeah, without him, we wouldn't have made it.  
  
Sammy: And he's hot!  
  
They all look at her.  
  
Sammy: In the sense of being a good fighter, damnit!  
  
Kain: Blasted, that means that if I can score Rayne, I only get to have 2 wives.  
  
Jobie: JOBIE CONGRATULATE KAIN WITH HELP! UGGA-BUGGA! ME THUNK ALIENS ON HEAD! (drools)  
  
Kain: Well, it's been nice meeting with you psychos, but I'm leaving now. Bye bye.  
  
Jamie: bye, Kain.  
  
Sammy: bye, Kain.  
  
Ed: Bye, Kain.  
  
Jobie: BYE BYE, GREY HAIR!  
  
Kain: Oh, another thing, you guys.  
  
Jamie: Anything, Kain.  
  
Kain: Please don't request my help another time. (teleports away)  
  
Sammy: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight........  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Kain: It's good to be back at the sanctuary!  
  
Umah: (tapping her foot) I hear you've been hitting on Rayne.  
  
Kain: Yeah, your point being?  
  
Umah: (whips out a chainsaw) I don't like it, when you try to get more women than me.  
  
Kain: Uh-oh......... (telepathically) Uhh, preds, a little help here?  
  
Jamie: You said we shouldn't contact you again.  
  
Kain: Oh god, she's getting clos- AAAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS, WOMAN, YOU'RE WORSE THAN ELIZABETH!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
And now, the credits! Guerilla Radio, by Rage Against the Machine, since I'm listening to that song right now. And it's un-censored!!!! Since I'm just copying and pasting. Therefor, I don't take responsibility for any typos.  
  
Transmission third world war third round A decade of the weapon of sound above ground No shelter if youre looking for shade I lick shots at the brutal charade As the polls close like a casket On truth devoured Silent play in the shadow of power A spectacle monopolized The cameras eyes on choice disguised Was it cast for the mass who burn and toil? Or for the vultures who thirst for blood and oil? Yes a spectacle monopolized They hold the reins, stole your eyes All the fistagons the bullets and bombs Who stuff the banks Who staff the party ranks More for Gore or the son of a drug lord None of the above fuck it cut the cord  
  
Lights out Guerilla Radio Turn that shit up Lights out Guerilla Radio Turn that shit up Lights out Guerilla Radio Turn that shit up Lights out Guerilla Radio  
  
Contact I highjacked the frequencies Blockin the beltway Move on DC Way past the days of bombin MCs Sound off Mumia guan be free Who gottem yo check the federal file All you pen devils know the trial was vile Army of pigs try to silence my style Off em all out that box its my radio dial  
  
Lights out Guerilla Radio Turn that shit up Lights out Guerilla Radio Turn that shit up Lights out Guerilla Radio Turn that shit up Lights out Guerilla Radio Turn that shit up  
  
It has to start somewhere It has to start sometime What better place than here What better time than now  
  
All hell cant stop us now All hell cant stop us now All hell cant stop us now All hell cant stop us now All hell cant stop us now All hell cant stop us now  
  
**************************************************************************** ***************  
  
Okay, now you know what I'm planning to do next. But there's a little something extra. At some point, I'll do an R-rated sketch show. (Now where did I get that idea from? CoughMortalsoracough) So look for that at one point, too. Ah, screw it! I'll just tell you at one point in one of my next stories when I'm doing the first sketch. As for my next stories, one of them is the Defiance parody. The other one, the secret one, is......... DUM DUM DUM!  
  
Readers: What is it?  
  
It's exciting, isn't it?  
  
Readers: Shut up and say it!  
  
An Evil Dead parody! RAAAAAR!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
And now for your enjoyment, Moebius in a tank, saying that he farts in our general direction.  
  
Moebius in a tank: I fart in your general direction!  
  
He then gets crushed by a 16 tons weight bolt. 


End file.
